Those of you who read The Far-Flung Media Empire regularly know that while we mostly serve up huge helpings of incisive social commentary, thoughtful analysis of toilet signs from around the world, and award-worthy pictures of über-cute toddlers, we have also for years offered an exclusive line of t-shirts. Since we introduced our first t-shirt to the general public (My Generation Made Millions on the Internet Revolution and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt) in 1999, we have sold literally several.

I am pleased to announce the addition of a new shirt to our already spectacular lineup: Figure 5: Whee!.

Imagine this: your plane has just made an emergency crash landing. You have only seconds to evacuate before you are engulfed in the raging fire that, fed by cheap paperlike headrest-protectors and glossy Airmall catalogs printed with unspeakably toxic inks, threatens to engulf the cabin. A disaster? Or a way to work a little fun into your otherwise dull business trip? Take a look at the design of this attractive t-shirt, based on the safety information card of a major US airline, and decide for yourself.

This emergency protocol is available in a variety of handsome and affordable sizes and styles. It's the perfect way to remind your dad or grad that should their 8:50 shuttle from Seattle to Cleveland encounter catastrophic engine failure, they should meet the unexpected situation with a tight smile, a jaunty flip of the tie, and a heartfelt "whee!"

And don't forget these other popular designs:

Horsehead Brand: Soft, Hygenic, Absorbent. Why get an obscure Asian-language tattoo when this Chinese toilet paper wrapper is so much less permanent? I find this shirt is a great way to start conversations with, or just get funny looks from, waiters at Chinese restaurants.

These Military Experts Agree: Invading Iraq is a Bad Idea. Show everyone you were against this thing all along. Perfect for Democratic congressmen.